Randers

so this is it.
im finishing this online journal, and ive decided to make this my last entry and stick to pen and paper from now on.
i can swear to you on a stack of bibles that everything i ever wrote in here and all the oppinions given were for real. but im through trying to communicate to others through this thing.
(but who gives a shit?)

love life.
die young.

so here it is.
the end.

got my tattoo. its really pretty. just the outline done now but i go back in about a month.
ash wednesday today so im doing the church thing tonite.
hopefully moving from this shitty place in june. fingers crossed. i mean, ive been looking for a reason to stick around and the only one i have is that i love my job. guess thats a good reason but not enough to make me stay with all this other shit. im gonna try to run away, just like some of my friends have done before me. its worth a shot.
i dont like the internet. its the only way stupid people have found to get ahold of me. these people need to get a life. im trying to empty the garbage.
talking to bart. so why am i crying?
weird how i only get online when im depressed...or is it the other way around??

so i havent been online in months. it has been my escapeing from everything. but getting back on it now and checking my email and seeing that after all this time i have like 50 myspace things to look at and then proceeding to view the photos of all the people on my friends page..it made me very sad. where the hell are these people? these people were my friends. i used to hang out with all of them. and this sounds bad, but about the time john raped me was the time everyone did their whole "i told you so, i told you that guy was shitty." speeches, and then stopped calling me and stopped returning my phone calls. yea, nice one guys! but im trying to get in touch with a few and work my way through seeing all of them before i leave for good.

so took the road trip with sean. we are in tennessee right now hanging out. hes in the other room with all the people smoking weed and watching napoleon dynamite. steen is in the kitchen making weed sweets for her bfs bday. laurel is having a party tonite too so we are gonna make our way around. weather is nice here; sean and i are loving it.

i went in for an mri on wednesday to make sure i didnt have a tumor in my brain. it was not a fun experience. i didnt realize im a tiny bit claustraphobic. they put this cage like thing over your face so you cant move at all and my nose kept itching. my arm is pretty bruised where they put the dye in me. but anyway. no tumor. i just have some problems that actually dont suck now that i know whats been wrong with me.

still not over this. im still upset and i dont know what i would do if i ever came face to face with him again. but whatever its my own problem to deal with, right?

damn it smells like weed in here.
wish critt could have come with us.

im so torn. so very torn. this decision making (and not changing my mind) thing has never been one of my fortes.

really creative these past couple of days. drawing...been going through words in my head. forgot my camera, sucks.
anyway, going out to see what the rest of the house is up to...or if they have all passed out.

someone come give me a massage...
9 hours on my feet and at 10 tomorrow am it starts all over again.

december, im wishing you away.

human icepop.

its finally over. so why dont i feel any relief??
i suppose i never will.
i hate you for what you did to me.

going back to school next semester and im happy about this.

vaca ends tomorrow...this, im not too happy about.

sean and i are going to tennessee in january. im excited.
steen is home on the 20th!!

for christmas..i would like money so i can go to europe. thanks.

i really wish mtsu would get with it and send me my package of stuff!! grr.

so is it almost over? i sure fucking hope so.

im worried about everyone at work. there are so many bad things happening to everyone there, its so depressing. and i just spent a lot of money on christmas presents.
my tattoo date is set for feb 13. an interesting anniversary. im back in school next semester. its been too long since ive been out so im pretty excited about it.
had lunch with lindsay and jen today. i love those girls.
wishing hair grew faster...
today is natti's 19th bday. wish i could be in OH but alas...im stuck in RVA.
called bart. talked to a voicemail. depressing. yesterday i finally got the guts to throw out all the old letters from everyone in indy. i cried. haha im so crazy when it comes to holding on to the past and people i love.
if only i could give the gift of time for christmas.
i cant wait til next year!! i despise the christmas season and the craziness.

matt and carl are over.

lindsay is amazing.

i miss blake.

its true, i've lived a deprived life.

i have a chance to go to europe, and actually have a place to stay. i have until june. i want this so bad!

found out my GM wants to do me. GROSSSSS!@!!@!@!

hung out with laurie last night, supposed to go see a movie with lindsay and maybe jen tonite.
got sick as shit last nite think i may be coming down with something. james let me lay under lindsay's desk until the dizzyness went away. really nice of him. he sat there with me and we talked about the problems hes having with work and marita and let me talk about the lame shit thats still going on with john. hes changed a lot now. definitly not the same guy i told to drink cleaning chemicals the first week i was there. we just laugh about that now.
i didnt get the supervisor position i wanted but i knew i wouldnt. i was going up against someone who had been a supervisor with the company already. kinda pissed off there was no chance for me and wayne and i had some words. according to everyone, im pretty much a shoe-in for the next supervisor position that opens up...guess we'll see.

my week of payed vaca starts today!! this is so amazing to me.
steen is home in about 2 weeks. thank god! my tattoo will probly be started january or february. so we can still hang out in the new hot tub this christmas.

out of all the days in the week...well, sunday is one of my least favorites.

is there an easier way to get ahold of cameron, besides myspace?? ugh.

carvingmyniche is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

You Are the Reformer

1 You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

vodka was gods gift to me.

i want a confirmation. I WANT IT. i dont like working through other people. i want to know that this is going to go down the way it should. if you get the money, will you sign the paper??

"dont stop me now. im having such a good time." i sing this sarcastically.

so much to do today. so many phone calls. waiting on the lawyer to call me back. waiting for amy to call back. remax and dad are seriously stressing me out. phonecalls to sean at work. poor dude. i dont know what to tell michael. i feel kinda bad for him.

its monday...that means...neal..? ....i guess not. nevermind.

waiting...one of the worst feelings in the world.

i feel like pushing you all away. but i want you around me all the time. this makes no sense.

winter break!!! mine starts on the 6th!

sometimes even breathing is a pain i dont want.

why cant this be over yet?
i just want to walk away and never look back. you cant look back. you should never look back.

i finally told sean. im so fed up. i dont want to deal with this shit anymore. if i have to hunt john down just so i can get away forever i will fucking do it. all i want is a fucking signature.

im frustrated and depressed tonite. typical.
i want to read but i cant concentrate. steen leaves tomorrow and i hate when she leaves.

i hate how people act during the holidays. like they are so stressed out. chill the fuck out. its a day like any other day. hang out with friends and family and be happy you are alive rather than buy some outrageously priced crap that they will hate or will break soon after they recieve it. i hate christmas. people disapoint and upset me.

im preparing for hybernation.

words cannot express the emotion that is pulsing through me today.
i loathe this.

FIRSTS:
1. First best friend: bethany berkholder
2. First love: lets not go there
3. First real kiss: middle school
4. First screen name: was it mirandapanda4?
5. First pet: choco
6. First car: 92 ford ranger

LASTS:
1. Last cigarette: about...10 min ago
2. Last kiss: last week
3. Last good cry: thursday night
4. Last beverage drank: water.
5. Last food consumed: pecan pie that i made
6. Last crush: john. fuck him.
7. Last phone call: neal <3
RELATIONSHIPS:
1. Who is your best friend: steen
2. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: no. and i dont want one.

FASHION STUFF:
1. Where are your favorite places to shop: i dont shop
2. Favorite item of clothing: black hoodie
SPECIFICS:
1. Do you do drugs: ciggerettes and alcohol sometimes
2. What kind of shampoo do you use: thermasilk and pantene
3. What are you most scared of: being alone forever.

FAVORITES:
1. Colors: red
2. Foods: mock homemade bread
3. Subject in school: psychology, photo, lit
4. Animals: cats and animals not meant to be pets
5. Sports: soccer, dance
6. Movie: so many.

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Given a bath: yea
3. Made yourself throw-up: cant
4. Skinny dipped: Yes.
5. Been in love: Yes.

CURRENT:
1. Clothes: jeans, black shirt, black hoodie
2. Music: none
3. Make-up: eyeliner
4. IMs: talking to a dude in law school

LAST PERSON:
2. Hugged: sean
3. Imed: steen
4. Last person who slept at your house: justin
5. Last persons house you slept at: ben

RANDOM:
1. In the morning you are: wanting to not get up
2. Love is: evil
3. I dream about: i have bad dreams every fucking nite

*** ****

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01. panda
02. mandy
03. miranda

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
01. mirandapanda4
02. carvingmyniche
03. oxchoirvandalxo

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. hair
02. eyes
03. my honesty

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. weight
02. fact that im addicted to ciggerettes
03. sadness

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
01. german
02. scottish
03. english

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
01. this apartment.
02. falling.
03. the act of actually dying

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01. water
02. chapstick
03. hugs

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
01. black shoes
02. jeans
03. belt

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
01. mars volta
02. queen
03. coheed

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
01. i dunno
02.
03.

THREE REASONS YOU'VE BROKEN UP WITH EXES:
01. moved.
02. thats it.
03.

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
01. honesty
02. fucking honesty
03. respect

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01. smile
02. independence
03. a vivid imagination and desire to really live...good call.

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
01. whistle...what?
02. roll my r's
03. fall from a fifty story building

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
01. reading
02. singing
03. sleeping

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
01. to be in school
02. to be anywhere but richmond
03. to get john off the fucking lease

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
01. photography
02. psychologist
03. rape crisis volunteer

THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
01. ireland
02. europe anywhere just about
03. west

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
01. find a career i love
02. see europe
03. be a good mom

as if john couldnt piss me off anymore...
and to think he was telling us to fucking give him money. what a laugh.
people dont get money they arent owed. what a dick.

on a somewhat better note. critt and carl hung out last nite. missed those dudes.
what else what else...jim beam at work, lindsay is fucking awesome

and... i can never say ive never made the first move again. or made a fool outta myself. living and learning is fun.

tomorrow, car shop. yay.

spider destroyed my favorite corner of the collage i made senior year. broke a picture frame on my mantle and a candle holder. she is insane.

neal is coming over today. YAY!

this weekend was very relaxing and nice. i did next to nothing and it was fantastic.

drunk phone calls from tennessee are my favorite. cant wait til next august. it is august, right? fuck the horrible people in this city.

when you get the papers, sign them...let me go.
just be done with it. its time.

today has been eventful in a weird way but im much too tired to really go into it.
this weekend should (hopefully) prove to be rather relaxing.

wonder how much randomness ill be subjected to this friday nite. [damn, is it really friday already?]

i feel really guilty about not going to michael's show. i had my many reasons but i still feel bad. i hate rain.

stayed at lindsays tonite and hung out with her and her little sister. watched a movie did creative bead things and life was good.

spider is playing with a ball of rubber bands...wonder why that shit is still in my room. ugh.

mike hugged me goodbye and he smelled amazing. too bad hes moving to LA

i am the snake that ate its own tail.

the past couple of days have been going pretty well i guess.
hung out with kenny on monday. we listened to bad music and watched really old horror movies that ruled. good times.
monday night went out with laura,evan,nathan,and scott to see napoleon dynamite at the byrd. funny and stupid. scott had me laughing more than the movie did tho. nice to see all of them again.
yesterday was kinda lame and busy but i managed to fit in a 30 min nap before work so it was alright. work was good too. jen was there. saw lindsay for the first in a week. and hung out with blake who let me bum 2 ciggerettes since i "quit". im actually doing really well. yesterday was just a weak point.
didnt see michael o last nite but i expect ill be seeing him soon since my night calls have started up again. =)
really want to see joe but he works fucked up hours.
tattoo sketch is finally done. now i need some free hours and about 400 extra cash for the outline. january...im thinking.
steen is coming home soon! 2 weeks. god i cant wait!
im in one of those moods where i want a hug from people.
i need to go get ready to leave.

since you read this for whatever reason...i delete your messages now. this whole thing has nothing to do with you and i will not talk to you about it again. if john has something to say he can say it himself. i dont even want to know what you have to say. so LEAVE ME ALONE.

cleanse started today. final sketch is done too. got a call from otley last nite. =) its been a while. glad to hear from him. hung out with neal the other nite in the store. interesting. looking forward to maybe seeing joe this week, and laura!

i wanna go back to bed. work last nite killed me. got home at midnight and couldnt fall asleep.

thanksgiving needs to hurry up and get here. fo real.

my mom is so awesome. i cant wait for january!